Thursday, April 29, 2010

He shapes. He grows. He scores!

Hi. I'm Oliver. And today is the last day for you to support my mustache. That's right. The ACES Mustaches For Kids fundraising event is over tonight so if you haven't donated already, please do it now. It took a lot of hard work and personal humiliation for me to grow this mustache so I hope you'll find it in your heart to donate to ACES in honor of me. Oliver.

Lots of dudes have been growing mustaches to help raise money for at-risk, inner-city kids. And that's a really nice thing to do. I know I gave up a lot of doggie action walking around with this mustache, looking like a douche. Hot terriers everywhere took one look at my mustache and gave me the stink eye. And not the good kind of stink. So if I can hold my head (and my mustache) high after that, you can donate $5 to the cause.

In fact, I'm so desperate for you to donate I'll sink to an all-time low and let you walk all over me (and my mustache). You can drive over, take me home and use me as your vacuum cleaner bitch when you drop food on the floor--and not even say "good boy" when I clean/eat up your stupid crap. Or you can drive over, take me home and use me as a guard dog to scare off weirdos and strangers--all without letting me get in a single butt sniff. Whatever it is, I'll do anything to get you to donate to ACES, so please donate to ACES.

It only takes a second and you can donate as much as you want. You can donate $100 if you want. Just remember to put my name into the designation box. That's Oliver. O-L-I-V-E-R. Oliver. You can even write a cute message in the donation box. Just don't forget to put my name the donation box.

Well, thanks for reading my blog. I'll post the results for the mustache fundraiser in my next blog, but then that's the end of the mustache stuff. I'll keep blogging about other stuff, but not my mustache stuff. There's a lot of stuff for a dog to blog about even if he isn't growing a mustache to raise money for at-risk, inner-city kids.

I hope you donate soon.

The end.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Heartbreakingly Cute Photo Of Me To Manipulate Donations From You

Hi. I'm Oliver. This is a photo of me when I hurt my leg and had to wear a cone on my head. It's a super cute, super sad photo. And I'm hoping it'll guilt you into making a donation.

I'm not so good at this manipulating stuff. If I was good at it I probably wouldn't be so obvious about it. But I still hope it makes you feel guilty so you make a nice donation to ACES. That would be a great way to help out at-risk, inner-city kids.

They deserve it. Just like I deserve to get a new squirrel toy if I raise the most donations. But the kids especially deserve it. I met some of the kids and they're super smart and super nice kids. ACES just helps them stay on track and do better in school.

I've never been to school. But I've got the street smarts. And considering I can upload photos, create web links, and blog about my feelings, I think I'm pretty smart and capable for a dog that hasn't gone to school.

But just think about how amazing I'd be if I did go to school. I might cure cancer, solve doggie homelessness or even achieve world peace. After all, everyone likes a nice dog. And I've got some sweet negotiating skills.

The same is true for these kids I'm trying to help. They're smart. They're nice. And if they get a good education there's no telling what they could do. So help me, help them by making a donation to ACES. It's really easy. And if you put my name into the designation box I might even win a new squirrel toy. And I'd really like a new squirrel toy. Having a new squirrel toy helps me get my instincts out on the toy instead of a real squirrel. And that's better for everyone. I would like to catch a real squirrel someday, but as long as I have stuffed squeaky toys to chew the crap out of--I'm fine. Yay me!

Okay. The postman's coming and I've got some serious barking to do. Thanks for reading my blog and even more so for donating. It means a lot to a dog and his mustache.

The end.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Another Word To My Mustache

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I'm just going to say it.

My mustache rocks.

It's mustache gold. It's the best dog mustache ever. In fact, I might not even get rid of my mustache after the fundraiser is over. That's right. My mustache is so sweet I might have to just have to keep it.

So what if I never get another butt sniff from the foxy little wheaten terrier down the street. Yeah, it hurts my feelings. But with all the attention I'm getting and money I'm raising for the kids, who cares about a stuck up little wheaten who judges a dog by his mustache--even if he's growing that mustache for a good cause. Not worth it. I give all foxy little wheatens who judge me by my mustache...the middle paw toe. (That's like the middle finger for you humans.) Yay me!

Speaking of fingers, now would be a good time to take yours and click your way to the Mustaches For Kids donation page. Then use those fingers to type "Oliver" into the designation box and $100 into your donation amount. Even if you just typed in $5 I'd be really proud of your fingers. If I can grow a mustache, you can type in $5.

I'd be really fired up if you made a donation. I get really fired up about a lot of things--I'm a dog, I'm easy to please that way--but this fundraiser is super important to me. And not just because if I raise the most money I get a new squirrel toy. Growing this mustache has given me a whole new perspective on things.

When you're at a disadvantage, it's much harder to get what you want and need in life. Like how my mustache puts me at a real disadvantage when I want to score with the Wheaten down the street. She takes one look at my mustache and that's it. Dismissed. Before I even get the chance to show her how smart and funny I am--how I'm thoughtful, playful and fully capable of a being in a loving relationship. But to the wheaten down the street, I'm just the turd in the punch bowl.

My point is, help me-help ACES-help the kids. Your donation will go directly to serving at-risk, inner-city school kids so they can go out in life--with fewer disadvantages. If you could help me make that happen I would be your best friend. (Hee hee. Get it. Dog. Best friend. Never mind.)

Then end.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Word To My Mustache

Hi. I'm Oliver. And this is my MUSTACHE! It's one of the best mustaches ever. I'm super fired up about my mustache. Like how a computer nerd gets fired up at a JavaScript convention. Mustaches and JavaScript conventions can be super cool and exciting (if you're into that sort of thing), but certainly won't attract any hot mammas. In fact, mustaches and JavaScript are about as chick-repellent as a zit-faced tuba-player who craps in his marching-band pants. But I'm still super fired up about my mustache.

I hope you're super fired up about my mustache too. So much so that you'll make an online donation as soon as you finish reading my blog. In case you're new to my blog, I grew (and will continue to grow) a mustache to help raise money for at-risk, inner-city school kids. Your donation is super tax deductible and it might help me get a new squirrel toy if I raise enough money. (So make sure you put my name "Oliver" in the designation box).

I'm having a super fun time growing my mustache. Well, that's not totally true. I walked past a super cute Wheaten Terrier the other day and she looked at me like I was a total douche. She didn't give me a courtesy butt sniff or anything. I wanted to explain my mustache situation, but by the time I got my doggie courage up, she was too far away. Growing a big mustache can be pretty humiliating, but I'll sacrifice a few cute chicks to help out the kids. I'm pretty cool that way.

Well, that's not totally true either. I have a pretty big ego. And when some stupid cute chick takes a dook on it, I don't always handle it too well. I still had fun on my walk, but this morning, after my mom left for work, I got up on the dining room table--yes, the dining room table--and pulled down my harness. Then I chewed on my harness. Then I chewed all the plastic off my harness and left itty bitty pieces all over the couch. It felt good at the time, I mean I had to take out my frustration on something. But when my mom came home she was NOT happy. (And I can't say I blame her.)

That's the second harness I've chewed up in two weeks, and those things are like 15 bucks a piece. I don't know how much money that means, but my mom doesn't like it when I chew up my harnesses.

Then again, who cares? I HAVE A REALLY SWEET MUSTACHE! A mustache that's super cool, even if cute chicks think it's douchey. My goal is to raise money for kids, not be a super stud. I'm usually a super stud so I can chill for a few weeks for the sake of the kids. Yay me!

Uh-oh. Here comes my mom.

Is she still mad about the harness? Probably. But at least I get a free trip to PetCo when she goes to buy a new one. Yay PetCo! Yay me! Can't wait to show off my big mustache to all the peeps at PetCo. Everyone except any hot Wheaten chicks.

The End.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My Cute BM Picture (Before Mustache)

Hi. I'm Oliver. I've been growing a mustache for two weeks now and figured the best way to reveal my sweet new 'stache is to start with a "before" picture. That way you can see how much work I put into growing my mustache. And how my sweet results are going to rock the mustache world. Yay me!

If you've been reading my blog, you know the reason I'm growing this mustache is to raise money for ACES, a nonprofit place that supports, tutors and mentors at-risk, inner-city school kids. A lot of dudes are risking their coolness to grow douchey mustaches (me included) so help a doggie out and make a donation here. Just 5 little dollars will make a difference. Not as big of a difference as a $25 donation, but a difference nonetheless. And I get super fired up when people make differences.

I also get super fired up about treats. My favorite treats are dried chicken breast treats. I could eat the crap out of those treats. They're so yummy in my tummy and I really like those treats. I don't like haircuts or baths. And I had to get both of those stupid things in preparation for my mustache growing. It's hard to grow a mustache when you're already super hairy and you have dirty feet. So my mom gave me a bath and a hair cut and I hated every minute of it. Look at my "before" picture. Do I look happy to you? No way. But I'm happy to help the kids. And I was happy to make my mom laugh when she saw my wet skinny dog body (although it kind of pissed me off too). In general, I'm a pretty happy guy. Except on bath and haircut day. But other than that, I'm pretty happy.

And if you make a donation, I'll be super happy. I'll jump up and down like I'm on a pogo stick I'll be so happy. So please help out and make a donation. And I'm not just saying that because I have a new squirrel toy at stake (but I would appreciate you putting my name in the designation box). I want to make a difference for those kids. They are the future dog owners of America. And if I didn't get my nuts neutered off and could have a puppy son of my own, the kids you help could be my puppy son's parents.

Man that was a long way around the block. Back to my point: we want all kids to succeed--in life and in doggie ownership. So make an online donation and make a difference.


The end.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

My Mustache Is Almost Ready

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I'm super fired up about my mustache. I'm also super fired up about mom being home. She just got back from being on vacation and I'm super fired up about that. And she's super fired up about my mustache too. She said it's looking super sweet and after hearing that I'm almost ready to show it to you.

In fact, if you make an online donation to ACES right now (and put my name in the designation box), I'll give you your own private viewing of my mustache. I can't drive so you'd have to come over to my house, but I promise to be super nice and share my treats. I'll even let you touch my mustache as long as you don't mess it up. It took a lot of mustache finessing to get my mustache looking so good.

You can donate by going here. (I'm also fired up about how I just created that link. Yay me!)

Right now, my mom and I are watching "Dazed and Confused." It's an okay movie, but not one of my favorites. There aren't any doggies in it so I don't see why humans think it's so funny. Then again, there are a lot of mustaches so I'm getting some good ideas on how to style mine. Still, the dudes in the movie look like douche bags--even though they think they look cool. Satin disco shirts and bell-bottom jeans? Man that was an ugly generation. But it does give a dog like me some good mustache ideas.

The End.


Friday, April 16, 2010

Me And My Mustache Are Staying With A Nice Lady

Hi. I'm Oliver. My mom's on vacation so me and my mustache are staying with a nice lady named Karen. I mentioned her a few posts back, but thought I should give her a special "thank you" for taking care of me while my mom's on vacation. My mom's coming home tomorrow and I'm super fired up about that, but it's still important that Karen knows how much I like her and her husband and her yard and her mustache comb.

Yep. Karen's got a sweet mustache comb and I've been using it all week to shape my mustache. You can't see my mustache because I cropped it out of the picture. All you can see is me sleeping and Karen's cute little leg. The reason I'm growing a mustache is to help ACES raise money for their mentoring and tutoring program. I've been hyping up the ACES fundraiser for a while now so I won't go on about it too much. Except for the fact that I've only raised $60. And I'm kinda bummed about raising only $60. I was more bummed when my mom when on vacation without me, but I'm still pretty bummed. The good news is, I still have two weeks to raise more money.

Yay me.

And yay you if donate right now. It doesn't have to be $100. I'd settle for anything right now. I really want to help those kids. And I really want a new squirrel toy for raising the most money. I know that might sound selfish, but in the world of capitalism it's always a give and take. I give you my time, effort and mustache--my mom gives me a new squirrel toy. Everybody wins. Especially the kids who are helped by your generous donation.

Anyway, back to my thanking Karen and her husband and all the nice fence-building people for being so nice to me and my mustache. It always stinks when your mom goes out of town, but those people made me feel especially loved. The only one who didn't make me feel welcome was Karen's cat Grendal. I didn't want to eat the cat, just bat it around a little bit. But Grendal was going to have none of that and hissed at me when I walked by. Stupid Grendal. Not that I don't understand--I wouldn't like it if a nice dog came over, stole all the attention and I got stuck in the basement. I'd be pissed too. But still. I'm a nice dog, not a douche dog. And Grendal should treat me accordingly.

Oh well. No biggie. My mom's coming to get me tomorrow night and that's all that matters. Except I'll kind of miss Karen. And her husband. And the fence-building guys. But certainly not Grendal.

The End.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Mustache Grows So Fast You Can't Even See It

Hi. I'm Oliver. I can grow a mustache super fast. I can grow a mustache so fast you can't even see it grow. My mustache is just a blur to you humans. I can run super fast too. Both me and my mustache are going and growing super fast in this picture. But first, let me explain why I'm growing a mustache. I'm growing a mustache to help raise money for at-risk, inner-city kids.

I know. You're probably thinking, "How can a dog mustache help at-risk kids?" That's exactly what I asked my mom when she told me about the ACES mustache-growing fundraiser. I mean, a dog with a mustache is kinda cute and funny, but it's not going teach kids math or social studies. And it certainly won't help kids improve their physical fitness skills. After all, it's just a mustache.

But then my mom explained that it isn't my mustache that helps the kids, it's all the money I raise by growing the mustache. And by embarrassing myself and looking like a douche, I can raise a lot of money for ACES, the program that helps tutor and mentor the kids.

Then I said, "Ooooohhhhhh. Now it makes sense."

So if you want to help me make a difference for the kids, make an online donation to ACES and put my name in the designation box. That way I will know how much I helped the kids. Because if I help the kids a lot my mom said she'd get me a new squirrel toy, and I love new squirrel toys. Anyway, here's the link to donate.

Of course, my grandma thinks I already have enough squirrel toys. So I'm like, "Shut it, Grammie!" A dog can never have enough squirrel toys. Squirrel toys are one of the best things ever. I mean, I know my Grammie means well. She probably wants me to branch out and play with a stuffed flea or squeaky chew toy. But I just want a squirrel. Squirrel toys are one of the best things ever. My Grammie is one of the best things ever too. She always puts cheese on my food and lets me hide rawhides in her potted plants. I just don't like it when she interferes with squirrel toys. Squirrel toys are not Grammie territory.

Man, I got way off track on this one. My point was to talk about my sweet mustache-growing skills. And how those skills are going to help ACES help the kids. That's why I'm working so hard on growing my mustache. It's really important for the kids. I didn't mean to go on and on about new squirrel toys--even though I'd really like new squirrel toy.

The end.


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Mustache Anticipation

Hi. I'm Oliver. I'm growing a mustache to raise money for ACES, a place that helps at-risk, inner-city students. You can't see my mustache because I'm keeping my mustache a secret. I'm building anticipation and suspense, like when my mom gets out my harness and my leash, but doesn't put it on me right away. I know I'm going for a walk or run at some point, but it could be in 1 minute, 2 minutes or 5 minutes. And the longer I wait, the more excited I get, and the more I jump up and down and bark at my mom to hurry up. Once we finally do get out the door (which can be an eternity) I love my walk or run even more. Just ask my mom how super excited I get when we first leave the house and I pull her down the street. Well, maybe you shouldn't bring that up again. But building anticipation keeps people (and dogs) interested and excited. So I'm not going to show my mustache quite yet. Just stay tuned--I promise you won't be disappointed.

Even if I grew the dumbest mustache ever, it'd still be pretty cool. I'm a dog. And anything is better, funnier and cooler on a dog. Take sweaters, for instance. An ugly sweater is stupid on a dude, but always funny on a dog. Or hats. You see a dog sportin' a furry hat and you will smile. You see a dude sportin' a furry hat and you don't know what to think. But you definitely stay the heck away from that dude.

In other words, however I sport my 'stache, it'll be really sweet. You'll like it. But you're going to have to wait to see it. So keep reading my blog. And looking at my blog pictures. And donating to ACES.

I didn't give ACES (or donating or squirrel toys) the hard sell this time, but that's okay. Sometimes less is more. Except when it comes to treats. Then it's the more treats the better.

The end.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Mustaches Make You Tired

Hi. I'm Oliver. I've been growing a mustache to support ACES, a place that helps at-risk, inner-city kids. You'd think growing hair wouldn't be a tiring process, but it is. And I haven't even fully shaped my mustache yet. I'm just growing my face hair so I can make a sweet mustache with some mousse or hair gel. I'm a really good mustache grower and totally dedicated to the kids, but it's still a lot of work.

First of all, when you're walking with your mom and you pass another dog, you have to explain why you look like a douche. I'm like, "Don't laugh at me--I'm growing this mustache to help the kids--human kids." If it's a dude dog, I'll add a "So quit your staring, you lazy turdhead." If it's a hot chick dog, I'll follow up with a "I'm a really sensitive, caring dog. And totally single." Either way, it takes a lot of energy to explain yourself all the time.

So make me look good in front of all the cute girl-dogs and donate to ACES for their mustache growing contest. Just remember to put my name in the designation box. If I raise the most money for ACES, I get a new squirrel toy. (And I'd really like a new squirrel toy.)

Right now I'm staying with this really nice lady named Karen. She has a husband named Richard and they're both really nice. My mom is taking a little vacation so she made sure to have me stay with really nice people. Karen pets me all the time and doesn't get mad when I try to sniff her butt. She doesn't like it, but she doesn't yell at me either. A lot of humans when get really mad when you sniff their butts. I don't know what the big deal is, but oh well.

I'll talk more about how nice Karen is later. Right now I'm really tired from all this mustache growing. I'm lucky to have a nice mom and a nice lady watch me when my mom takes little trips. And now's your chance to be really nice too. Donate to ACES and help me raise a butt load of money to help more kids. If I can grow a mustache, you can click on a link and make a donation. Even if it's just $5--that would help a lot. (But $100 would help more.)

Falling alseep n ow.

Th e e n d.

Ol l i

The Wind In My Mustache Hair

Hi. I'm Oliver. And as much as I've been complaining about growing a stupid mustache, it does feel pretty cool when the wind blows through it. Wheeeeee!

And let's not forget, my mustache-growing is for two good causes--helping at-risk, inner-city kids succeed in school and me getting a new squirrel toy. Helping the kids is the most important good cause because those kids are the future dog owners of America. So if you want to help me help the kids, make a donation to ACES, the place that has the programs to help the kids.

Your donation is tax deductible and super easy. I can't explain what tax deductible means, but it's really good for your taxes. So please, please, please make a donation now. Just don't forget to put my name in the designation box. How much money I raise will determine my new squirrel toy future.

I really like sticking my head out car windows. My mom rolls down the backseat window half-way so I can stick my head out. I don't care how cold it is, I like wind in my mustache hair. Even when I have just regular dog face-hair it's pretty cool. Sometimes I see other dogs and I stick my head super far out the window and say "Hi! Over here! Hi! I'm Oliver." But my mom has kind of a lead-foot so we usually pass them too fast before they see me and can say "Hi, Oliver!"

That's okay, though. My mom is a really nice lady and the faster she goes, the more wind I get in my mustache hair. I get a lot of wind when my mom takes me running too. We live near some really nice running trails that have lots of doggies and squirrels. Oooh, that gets my tail wagging just thinking about it. I love seeing all those people and doggies and squirrels. I can even poop out on the trails if want to because my mom carries poop bags and the trail has trash cans to get rid of the poop bags.

I'm a really lucky dog. But some kids aren't as lucky. So help me make a difference and get a new squirrel toy. I won't go through all that selling hoo-hah again--just click the link.

Thanks, lady. Or dude. Or whatever you are.

The end.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

I Look Like A Douche

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I gotta say this whole mustache growing business is embarrassing. It might not be noticeable to you humans yet, but even the starts of my 'stache make me feel like a total douche dog. The kind that wears douchey dog shirts and pees on the neighbors pretty spring flowers. Oh well. I know I'm a good dog. And my purpose here is to help raise money to support ACES and at-risk kids. So I'll quit griping and tell you how much I appreciate you reading my blog and considering a donation to ACES, the kids, and my chance to get a new squirrel toy.

And just so you know, it's only day 6 and my "mustache" hasn't quite taken shape yet (in the human sense), but it's growing. And it's going to be the biggest, itchiest dog mustache ever. Yay me. And yay you if you decide to donate in my name. That's Oliver. O-L-I-V-E-R. Because if you weren't aware, if I raise the most money for ACES, my mom's going to give me a brand new squirrel toy. I love toys. And treats. But a new squirrel toy would be so cool. I'd also like a remote control dragon fly to chase around, but I still need to figure out how to add that into the mix.

Wait a minute. Is that a...?

Squiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! A squirrel! Right outside my window! It's right there! It's right there!

Okay. Back to my blog. And back to you helping me, help ACES, help the kids. ACES is a really cool place that helps at-risk inner-city youth stay on track. They do tutoring and sports and the kids even get to meet real athletes sometimes. I'd freak out if I got to meet Kevin Love from the Timberwolves. I mean, that guy's huge! (And a super great player). I couldn't sniff his butt if I were on a pogo stick. And a big guy like that would be totally intimidating to little ol' me. But the kids love him...and all the sports players.

My friend Chad could tell you more about ACES. But for now, all you have to know is I'm growing a really douchey mustache to give at-risk kids a better chance in life. I have a great life. I'm a lucky Oliver. So donate at the link below if you want to help the kids and help me get a new squirrel toy.

The end.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Growing A Mustache Is Itchy

Hi. I'm Oliver. I'm growing a mustache for ACES, a nonprofit place that helps inner-city kids get tutored. Tutored is not the same thing as neutered. Tutored is a good thing. That's why I'm growing a mustache for ACES.

If you want to donate now, follow the link below. Just be sure to put my name--Oliver--in the designation box. I don't know what a designation box is, but it's how people know how much I'm raising for the kids. And the more money I raise, the more kids I can help and the closer I am to getting a new squirrel toy from my mom. Whee!

I will be growing a mustache all month long so you can follow my progress by following my blog. I really hope I can raise a lot of money. I do want a new squirrel toy, but the ACES place is also really important for kids.

I can't explain all the super cool things they do, but I know they've helped a lot of nice kids. And I like kids. Even if they accidentally pull my ears too hard or kick me in the head. It doesn't bother me. I have really tough ears because I have to hear things. Like squirrels, doggies and bad guys that might try to break in. My head is super tough too because I bump into things a lot. I mean, when you're really bookin' after a squirrel, you can't let a stupid fence stop you--you have to try to break right through it. Head first.

Sorry about the picture being so fuzzy. The first thing I had to do to grow a mustache was to even out my face hair so my mom had to trim it. And it's really itchy when you trim your face hair. But I'll post another picture soon. Especially if my mom gives me a treat. I like treats.

Well, if I haven't convinced you to donate yet, I will. I'm super dedicated and cute and I know it's really hard for humans to ignore cute things. You don't have to donate much. Even $5 makes a difference. $100 makes a bigger difference, but like I said, every little bit helps. (It's even tax deductible, and I know people like things that are tax deductible.) Just don't forget to put my name down in the mustache grower designation box. Yay me!

The end.