Friday, April 15, 2011

My Mom's Starting To Get Pissed About My Farts

Hi. I'm Oliver. I'm a really good dog, but my mom's not too happy about my farts. I don't know what the big deal is, I like the smell of farts. But I guess that's because I'm a dog. Humans seem to get irritated or embarrassed about farts. Especially when they just torpedo out unexpectedly.

The irony here is that my mom's the reason I get so many farts. Not her specifically, but the dried chicken treats she gives me and my new dog food that's supposed to help with my joints--they both make my back side really windy. 

It's like I'm just sitting there, looking out the window and all of a sudden a fart flies out--completely not on purpose. The next thing I know, my mom's doing that half yelling, half whining thing and her arms are flailing and waving around.

You'd think she was getting attacked by a big-ass swarm of bees. But no. It's just a fart. 

When I was a little guy, I used to turn around and bark at my butt when I farted. (That, of course, made my mom laugh.) But farts don't freak me out any more. In fact, sometimes I think they're kind of fun. Like if my mom's trying to cozy up next her Jim on the couch, I do my best to sneak a one out.

"Wait for it. Wait for it." And then the smell hits them like a dump truck as I chuckle under my dog breath. I suppose that's not very nice of me, but my mom getting mad at my farts when I can't help it (most of the time) isn't very nice either. Maybe she should reconsider what she feeds me. Then again, I'd be pretty bummed if she stopped giving me my dried chicken treats. I love dried chicken treats. 

My mom tried to give me a dried sweet potato version of my dried chicken treats and that was a total mistake. First of all, sweet potatoes do not taste like chicken. Secondly, my mom hated the way they smelled and wouldn't let me near her if I was eating one. I always have to be near my mom when I'm eating. 

Eating and my mom are some of the best things ever. And I have to experience them simultaneously. For instance, I won't eat my food all day so I can eat it with her when she gets home. Not eating a single nugget out of my food bowl? That's a pretty big deal for a dog. 

Anyway, giving me a vegetable substitute did not help matters. The dried sweet potato treats made me toot just as much as the dried chicken treats. And they smelled like stinky fish. I don't know why a sweet potato would smell like a fish, but it does. At least mine do. 

The only other alternative is no chicken treats at all and that would suck. Royally. I would totally give up my joint-health dog food before my chicken strips, but that's probably not an option. I need to eat that joint food so I don't get the arthritis. Getting the arthritis would be as bad as not getting any chicken treats. 

I guess my mom will just have to get used to my farts. And I'll just have to get used the fact that my farts are really annoying and could even put a chasm between me and my dried chicken treats. In the mean time, I'll just rely on my cuteness. My cuteness can totally help make up for my gas. I just look at my mom, tilt my head and she melts. And then she yells at me for farting.

The end.