Thursday, May 30, 2013

Guess What I'm Allergic To

Me all out of it after my allergy test.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And this picture was taken right after I went to the doggy dermatologist for some allergy testing. I was really out of it because they gave me a big doggy sedative so I wouldn't feel all the skin poking they do for the allergy testing.

The sedative part of the allergy testing was really fun because it made me feel all floaty and relaxed (probably like how my mom feels after a nice glass of wine). Getting up and walking around after the test, however, was not fun because I felt super swirly and kept tipping over. 

Not only that, I had a huge polka-dotted bald spot on my side. And there was no way I was going to impress the hot little Beagle in the waiting room with a blemish like that. It was the size of the Hindenburg. And took a huge chunk out of my confidence. I mean, I wanted to look ruff and tough. Not like a clumsy old turdbag with a bad case of bacne (back acne), or in my case, sidene. 

Needless to say, I felt pretty out of it and self conscious for the rest of the day. I tried really hard to not let it show, hence the photo of me falling asleep while sitting up and trying to look alert. But even I couldn't bulldoze my way through all that brain fog. Not even when I saw a squirrel running around in my peripheral vision.


Complaining aside, the allergy test uncovered some very interesting information. And it turns out I'm allergic to one thing. Humans. Yep, the cuddliest guy in the world is allergic to the things he loves most. (Sigh. Make that a really big sigh.) 

At first I was really freaked out. But thanks to some super smart doggy pharmaceutical companies, I can still be around humans. I just need to take some really expensive allergy medication until I can get on some allergy shots. So it's a win-win. A win for me and my mom. And a win for the pharmaceutical economy.

My mom also told me that being allergic to humans is pretty common. In fact, she thinks it's kind of cute. Or ironic. Or one of those other weird human words I don't understand. More importantly, my mom said my quirks (like my allergies and the way I poop in circles) are what make me special. And I like being special. So I'm just going to go with what she says.

Yay me!

The end.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Happy Mother's Day, Bitches!

That's not me. But that's what I looked like
after trying to pick flowers for my mom.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And I want to wish all the nice mommies I know a Happy Mother's Day. I know lots of mommies so this could take a while.

(I should also remind you that I don't mean anything negative or derogatory by the term bitches. For me, it's just another word for females. Okay, back to my Mother's Day wishes.)

Happy Mother's Day to my birth mom, Oakley. (In case you didn't know, I'm adopted.) She was my momma for 6 weeks before my human family picked me up and gave me a new home. I was sad to leave her, but she said that humans need dogs to make them happy. And I would make my human family really happy. I don't know if that's a big crock-o-crap, but I like that story so I'm going to believe it.

Happy Mother's Day to my real mom. She's the human lady I make happy every day. Sometimes she gets mad at me (like when I pick flowers for her that don't belong to me), but most of the time she loves me a lot. Like a real lot. Yay me!

She gets an extra paragraph in my blog because I want her to know all the things she does that I'm grateful for. My allergy medicine. My belly and chin scratches. The way she puts cheese on my food sometimes. When she takes me for walks and runs. All the toys she gets me. All the treats she gives me. And all the times she lets me under the covers to sleep. Yay under the covers!

Happy Mother's Day to my Grammie. She's my mom's mom and she's a nice lady. I get to stay with her when my mom has to go out of town. She's really nice to me. And she takes lots of naps. I'm always good and rested when I come home from Grammie's.

Happy Mother's Day to Claudia. She the mom of my new dad, Jim. She's a nice lady and I see her a lot in the summer when we all go to the cabin. I like the cabin. It's in front of the biggest water dish ever. (Claudia calls that big water dish a lake.)

Happy Mother's Day to Ann. She's Jim's sister and she has three kids. I like them and make them really happy at the cabin. Especially when I get the zoomies after jumping in and taking a drink from my "lake." (It's so funny that they call my water dish a lake.)

Happy Mother's Day to Stephanie. She's Jim's other sister and she has three kids. Stephanie is the lady I hide behind when I can't find my mom and there are fireworks going off at the cabin. That makes her kids laugh.

Happy Mother's Day to Katie. She's Jim's other other sister and she has two kids. Delilah and Penelope are my best friends at the cabin. They used to be afraid of me, but I worked really hard and got them to be my best friends. Katie is also a dog mom. She has two weener dogs, Roger and Noonan. I peed on Roger's head once, but it was an accident.

Okay, those are the moms I'm closest to. But I also want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Moms are the best thing ever, whether you're biologically related or adopted. Yay moms!

The end.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Look How Cute I Am

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I just got my hair cut. Normally I hate it when I get my hair cut. But this time, I'm getting so much attention from the ladies, I don't mind it so much. Yay me!

If you remember from previous posts, you know I don't like getting haircuts. In just a matter of hours I go from looking like a bad-ass teddy bear dog to a wimpy little weenie-ass dog. I mean, look at my skinny legs. It's hard to impress the bitches with skinny little legs like mine. Oh, and that stupid polk-a-dotted kerchief doesn't help either. I swear my stylist thinks I'm a girl. 

It doesn't really matter though. Because all the attention I'm getting from the human ladies is making it all worth it. Young human ladies, old human ladies, even funny-smelling human ladies go nuts over my new haircut. They're all like (and I'm quoting here), "OMG he's so cute. I love him! I want to take him home with me!" Then I get a bunch of belly scratches, chin scratches, head scratches and under-my-collar scratches. 

By the way, I don't know what an OMG is. And if it's a bad word or a swear, I wasn't really saying it, just repeating it. (My mom says it's not nice to swear even though she does it a lot. Especially when she gets stuck in traffic.) 

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I'm not saying stuff I shouldn't be saying. Human language isn't nearly as clear or distinct as dog. I mean, how anyone couldn't understand what I mean by "WOOF!" is beyond me.

I should also say that I just thought of another good thing about my haircut. (Aside from the fact that it makes my wang look bigger, as I mentioned a few posts ago.) My skinny body makes my head look huge, and that makes my brain look huge and me look extra smart. 

Big brained and big-wanged Ollie, that's me! 

The end.


Friday, May 3, 2013

Up Yours, Mother Nature

My snowy 7th birthday. Booo.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And today I'm a little pissed. First of all it's snowing. Again. On May 3rd. Not only does that suck because it's MAY 3RD, it's also my birthday. And now my mom's crabby on my birthday.

I should be jumping all around in my birthday picture, but I'm not. I'm just sitting on the nice couch, being all mellow. 

My mom did tell me to "sit" and "stay" for my birthday picture, so maybe my mellowness is a little misleading. But it still sucks that it's snowing on my birthday.

One good thing about my birthday is that I get to go with my mom to her work today. I even get to use her laptop while she works on her big work computer.

Another good thing about my birthday is that I always get canned dog food for my birthday dinner. I really like that soft stuff and I can eat it really fast. Like in three gulps I'm done. I do need to be careful though. Sometimes when I eat too fast it makes my tummy feel funny and weird stuff happens to my poop.

Another fun thing I get to do on my birthday is go to the Minnehaha Falls park and sniff all around. I usually see lots of other doggies there, but with all the stupid weather, maybe there won't be any. Still, I don't need to worry about that. I'm a doggie and I'm only able to live in the moment and focus on right now. Doggies don't worry about what might happen in the future. Planning ahead is not how we roll.

(There's a squirrel! There's a squirrel, there's a squirrel, there's a squirrel!) See?

The one not fun thing I'm doing on my birthday is getting my haircut. I'm heading to the doggie salon soon and I know it's going to suck asphalt. I mean, look at the afro I'm sporting. It's bad enough when I have regular long hair. But trimming all this madness is going to take forever. I even heard my mom say she wants my stylist to trim my ear hairs. Yep, my ear hairs. Now that's some serious grooming.

Well, it's my birthday so I'm going to use that as an excuse to stop writing. If you want to get me some presents, I do like treats. All kinds of treats. 

Yay treats!

The end. 


Thursday, May 2, 2013

My New Year’s Resolutions

Resolutions created 12/31/12

Hi. I'm Oliver. And this is my update on the resolutions I made for  2013. I'll start with the actual resolutions I made for 2013 since I never posted them and you probably can't read my mind.

(You can't read my mind, can you? Sometimes I think my mom can. Like when she tells me "no" before I even stick my head in the does she already know I want to get in there and start sniffing all the crazy things she throws away? It's weird.) 

Anyway, if you look to the left, those are my resolutions for 2013. Make that Resolutions with a capital "R" because these Resolutions are some major big deals.

1. Spend less time looking for the perfect place to poop. I'm doing pretty good on this one. I used to sniff around and around and around in search of the best spot to launch my logs. Lots of dogs do it because we want our poops to cover any sign of other animals. But now I only check out 2 or 3 places before I pull the chute. If I can't find any good smells to cover up I don't worry about it. I just work my butt magic and back in the house I go.

2. Blog more. Fail. Complete and utter fail. I haven't blogged since January of 2012. To make matters worse, I don't even have a good excuse. No major paw injury, no distracting life changes. Just pure laziness. At least I'm doing it now. And I am pretty proud that I used the word "utter" correctly. I first wrote "udder" which is actually a cow boob. Thankfully I caught it before I pressed "publish."

3. Stop Smoking. Major success on this one. In part because I never smoked in the first place. I just wanted one of my Resolutions to be easy so I could get some extra belly scratches from my mom. The only downside is that I did gain some weight (just like the people who really do quit smoking), but I can deal with that Resolution in 2014.  

4. Learn how to relax when people leave. I put this one on my list of Resolutions to please my mom, but it's never going to happen. Seriously. No amount of cheese, turkey, hand claps, choke collar pulls or "Ollie!" yells will get me to stop. I tried, I can't control myself, and that's that. So if you want to come over, hang out and then go back out into that big crazy world on my watch, that's your business. But I won't be happy about it. And I won't stop letting you know it until you walk away and I can't see you from the front window anymore. In other words, deal with it.

5. Stop scratching myself so much. Two words: YAY ME! I don't hardly scratch myself at all now. All my chest hair has grown back, no more infections on my skin and I'm feeling so much better. I can't take all the credit though. My mom took me to a doggie dermatologist and she did this special skin test on me. Turns out, I'm allergic humans. Yep. I'm allergic to humans and that's why I was itching so much. So I'm taking a really cool medicine that works really well and tastes really good because my mom gives it to me hidden in a treat. Just so you know, I really like treats. Especially chewy chicken pill pocket treats. The medicine is very expensive, but my mom said I'm worth it. Again, YAY ME! Eventually I have to go on some allergy shots which will totally suck. For now, though, I'm a happy boy. 

The end.