Friday, February 18, 2011

Some HOT Bitches Were At My House

Hi. I'm Oliver. And a few nights ago, my mom had some HOT women over. I don't have a picture of my reaction, but if there was one, it would look like that picture up there. My eyes were super wide and my tongue was hanging out because those ladies were HOT. 

Those ladies were my mom's work friends and (not to be redundant) they were super HOT. I mean, I've always loved the ladies, but these women were perfect. Perfect belly scratches, perfect head rubs, perfect laps for me to sit in. The whole experience taught me a lot, too.

For instance, now I know why my mom goes into the office sometimes. I'd leave me too if there were a bunch of HOT bitches involved. Nothing is better than a bunch of HOT bitches. (To help clarify, the word "bitch" isn't a bad word for dogs, it just means "female." So don't think I'm being disrespectful by using that word. That word is only bad if you're a human.) 

Anyway, back to my point of understanding why my mom has to go into the office. It's really about the hot bitches. Of course, I don't want to encourage anyone to leave anyone, especially for 8-10 hours--that's a really long time. But at least I understand my mom's motivation for going to the office. I'd go see the HOT bitches too if my mom would let me, but I'm not very good at sitting still and minding my own business when I'm at my mom's work office. 

I get all distracted by all the new stuff and smells and HOT ladies going, "Awwww. Your dog is so cute. Can I pet him?" I have no idea why they ask to pet me because my response is always, "Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Rub my belly!" I'm up and down and up and down like I'm on a pogo stick. That's how excited I get when HOT ladies ask if they can rub my belly.

Anyway, back to the HOT bitches that were at my house a few days ago. They were really nice. And HOT. And they laughed a lot so they must be pretty funny too. I don't know what was so funny, but they sure did laugh a lot. And I didn't even let it make me feel stupid or self conscious. A lot of dogs would feel self conscious about HOT bitches laughing at stuff. But I'm super confident and don't let little things like that get to me. The only thing that gets to me is when a HOT wheaten acts all aloof and won't let me sniff her butt. Now THAT's humiliating. 

But these ladies were all really nice. And HOT. So I hope they come over again soon. I really want them to come over again. And if they have any nice HOT wheatens to bring over too, well, that would be freakin' awesome. 

The end.


Monday, February 14, 2011

It's Really Slippery Outside

Hi. I'm Oliver. I'm really athletic and agile, but today it's really slippery outside. It's so slippery outside that even if you were a polar bear you'd still wipe out when your mom let you out to go pee and you got sidetracked by a squirrel.

That's why I put that picture of the polar bear up there. You know he felt dumb when he wiped out in front of all his neighbors. It's embarrassing when you wipe out in front of other furry, little creatures. Especially squirrels. They laugh at you even though you could bite them in two. Lucky for them, it's icy outside. And the animals that are higher on the food chain can't run very fast when it's icy outside. Not even polar bears. Not even me.

It's so icy that my mom wiped out this morning too. She went out to get the paper and fell right on her ass. KABLAMO! I felt bad for her though. She was in her bare feet and got a big cut on her big toe. It was bleeding everywhere and swelled up because she jammed her big toe too. I wanted to help her, but I stayed out of the way and didn't try to lick her toe even though I wanted to lick her toe. Licking always makes me feel better--that's why I lick my feet all the time. But my mom doesn't like it when I lick her. I still try to lick her, but this time I didn't. 

After she cleaned herself in the shower, my mom got out a big bandaid and some gauze and some ointment and fixed up her big toe. I think she should have to wear that big lampshade on her head too (like I do when I get hurt), but apparently humans don't have to wear those things. I tried to convince her, but she doesn't understand "dog" so my barking was moot.

Of course, my mom still went to work even though she should've stayed home with me to make sure I wasn't too upset over her trauma. I'm not, but she doesn't know that. For all she knows, I could be crying and crying and crying--wondering if her big toe is okay--but I'm not. Nope. No worrying or carrying on for this guy. I mean, I am concerned, but I've got mailmans and squirrels and bunnies and neighbors and dogs and squirrels to bark at. (I said squirrels twice. They get double the barks.) Besides, if the bitch decided to go to work with an injured big toe, that's her problem.

(By "bitch" I mean "woman" as in a generic female. Bitch isn't a bad word when you're a dog even though it sounds like a bad word. Another word that sounds bad, but isn't is the word "suffrage." It's about the right to vote, but it doesn't sound fun at all. Women really like that word, especially women who were around in 1920.)

Lucky for my mom, no one saw (or laughed at) her when she fell. It looked pretty funny, but her foot was so bloody and bruised that you'd have to be a real A-HOLE to laugh at that. There are a lot of guys who are big A-HOLES, but I'm not one of them. I didn't even try to lick or sniff her foot because I knew that would make her mad. And when your big toe really hurts, you don't need anything else to make mad.

Yep, my mom's lucky. It could've been a lot worse. She could've fallen and broken her ego. A bunch of hot firemen could've been cruising by when it happened. Or squirrels. Squirrels who were finally starting to caution themselves, but then everything changed because of one dog's dorky-ass fall on the icy sidewalk. 

Stupid squirrels all safe in their trees.

But I'm sure my mom's fine. And in 4 hours, 53 minutes and 44, 43, 42 seconds, she'll be home to prove it to me. Oh, and if you're a robber, don't even think about coming over and taking advantage of the empty household. I'm here. And I know how to bite you in the nuts. I had nuts once so I know how much it hurts when someone messes with your nuts. The alarm's here too. And so are the police if anyone breaks in and sets off the motion detectors.

I don't really need an alarm, I'm pretty bad-ass. But just in case I need some backup, I've got the alarm. Yay me! And yay for my mom who didn't even cry when she hurt her foot this morning. She said a few cuss words, but she didn't cry. Maybe some day i'll learn how to work the video camera or just my mom's cell phone video camera and capture her falls on film. (Even a klutzy-ass polar bear on ice skates could operate one of those cell phone video cameras.)

Oh, and happy Valentine's Day too. Valentine's Day is pretty stupid, but sometimes my mom gives me special treats so I'm encouraging the good karma. 

The end. Happy Valentine's Day! The end.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm In A Movie!

Hi. I'm Oliver. If you haven't heard from me in a while, it's not you. It's me. Really. I've been super busy since my last post. I was even in a movie. That picture of me is a screen-grab of me in the movie. I'm being a good boy in the movie. My mom asked me to "sit" so I did. The movie isn't all about me, but I'm in it.

You can't go see my movie in the theater with popcorn and a diet coke. Nope. It's not playing in real movie theaters. Or at any film festivals in Canada. The only way to see my movie is if you go to my mom's work, which is a really boring place for dogs. I went there once after I got my teeth cleaned at the veterinarian place and it was really stupid. My mom's work doesn't have any toys (like Bruce, my fox toy). And all the food is people food. Seriously. Not one dried chicken treat. Grrrr.

Anyway, back to my movie. The movie is all about my mom's work department and the stuff they do at work. That's why they only play it at my mom's work. It'll be on my mom's work web site too, but for now it's only showing at my mom's work. It's my first time in a movie, but I did such a good job in the movie that I hope some big casting agent will see it and ask me to be in more movies. (That can happen when your movie's on the world wide web.)

Or maybe a big film director will see it--you know how they're always checking out indie films to find the next big undiscovered talent. That's why I'm really excited for my movie to be on the world wide web. Anyone can look at it whenever they want. Even in the middle of the night.

It's a really good movie too. Everyone loves the movie. It's over 2 minutes long and I'm up on the big screen for like 10 whole seconds. That's a lot of seconds for a 2 minute movie, especially when they have to show all 25 people in the creative department. Not everyone got as much screen time as me. And no one got as many "he's so cute!"s. There's another doggie in the movie too, but he lives in Costa Rica. And he's union talent. As if he needs to be in an actor's union. What a dick.

Of course, I've been busy doing other things besides my movie. Like barking at squirrels, barking at the shovel, barking at the vacuum cleaner, barking at the broom, barking at the dustbuster, barking at other dogs, barking at the mop and barking at lots of other stuff. The only thing I didn't get to bark at was all the people at my mom's 40th birthday party. That night I had to go to my grammie's house. LAME. 

I'll be writing more soon, though. With spring just around the corner and all sorts of squirrels to chase, I'll have plenty to report. Yay me! And yay you for still reading my blog. If I were reading a blog where the person (or dog) didn't post anything for 5 months, I'd give them the finger. So thanks for sticking with me.

The end.