Monday, November 7, 2016

Yay me!


That's me. E. C. D.

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I'm super excited because I just got a big promotion at Haberman. Yep, I'm the new self-proclaimed ECD. 

Executive. Creative. Director. 

That's the person who leads all the creative at the agency. It also means I'm my mom's boss. My mom's boss' boss, actually. But she's cool about stuff like that. And I can get treats in exchange for doling out cool projects to work on. 

"You wanna work on that TV assignment? I need 4 bully sticks!" This is going to be awesome! Yay me!

With a big title also comes a lot of responsibility, though. Like I really need to get to meetings on time. To not fall asleep during meetings. To not scratch on the door and leave meetings during meetings. And to not scratch on the door to get back into those meetings. Dang, that's a pretty big ask for a curious little guy like me. But I'm up for it. And I'm going to do a great job.

More importantly, I still have my bed here so I'm assuming I can take a nap or two if I really need to. I'm a dog so I think people will understand if I get tired sometimes. Dogs are supposed to get at least 18 hours of sleep a day so a nap is totally fair.

My first project is for Stella and Chewy's raw dog food. Working on this is so fun because I get to taste all the foods and treats. (So far, I like the rabbit flavor best.) I invited the junior team to the tasting too but they declined. I eat their food, but they won't try mine. WTF? It's a little irritating, but they're young and squeamish. I get it. And they do give me a lot of good belly scratches so I'll cut 'em some slack. 

Well, I'm off to a brainstorm so I better go. Can't be late to my meeting! I'll try to post again soon and let you know how this all goes. 

The end.

Ollie

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I love Cheetos® almost as much as Lyra

video


Hi. I'm Oliver. And that's my cousin Lyra. She really likes Cheetos®. Especially the big puffy kind of Cheetos®. She would do anything for Cheetos®. Cheetos® turn Lyra into a little Cheeto-eating robot. I'm not a little Cheeto-eating robot so I guess I don't like Cheetos® as much as Lyra. But I like them a lot.

That video was taken at my first dad's birthday party. It was really fun because I got to go to the party and didn't have to stay home while everyone got to go to a party. Still, I don't see what the big deal is about birthday parties. People just sit around and talk and eat. And I end up following my mom around – just like I do at home. 

I followed my mom a lot. I followed and sniffed Lyra a lot too because she's little and easy to sniff. And she's really funny. When I sniff her she calls out "No, Ollie. No!" But it's so dang cute that it's hard to take her seriously. So I kept sniffing her. Until my mom stepped in and made me stop. I would stop too if Lyra got mad enough to cry. That would just be "mean sniffing" if I made little Lyra cry.

I wish I could be around more people Lyra's size. It makes me feel really big when I can jump up on someone and my arms reach his/her shoulders. But that doesn't happen too often. So I really take advantage of my time with Lyra. 

I really like Lyra. I like Lyra even though she didn't share her Cheetos® with me. I didn't even get a sniff. Not even when I walked towards her while she crammed Cheetos® into her mouth and got a big orange ring on her face. Nope. All I got was another, "No, Ollie. No!" But it was really cute, so I just let it go. I'm nice like that.

Well, my mom's getting ready to take some trash outside so I better bark at her and follow her out to the trash can. There's no fooling this guy about going outside. I know how you humans like to sneak out and leave. And no one's leaving on my watch. Unless you give me some Cheetos®. I'd turn the other way for a Cheeto.

The end.

Ollie

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Blog more. Guess I really f'ed that up.

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I suck at holding down the blog fort. (That's fort, not fart. I'm really good at farting.) But this past year, well, so much has happened. I mean, just look at my picture. Clearly you can see how busy I've been. 

My mom's been really busy too. And when she's really busy, I'm really busy – following her around, making sure she doesn't drop any food bits on the floor. Or leave. I hate it when she leaves. 

So, here's my new blog plan, homies. My new blog plan is to write a post about each big event that happened to me over the past year. But in case I get another big ol' case of "lazyass" and fall behind on my posts, here are the highlights:

1. My mom went to see the Replacements. In Chicago. Yep, up and left me to go see some dumb band from her youth. Who does that?

2. My mom got married. I got stuck at Grammie's. Lame. Not that I don't love my Grammie. I do. But she's not my mom. And I don't like it when it's not my mom. 

3. My mom went on a little honeymoon after the wedding. I hung tight at Grammy's. Yep. Taking one for the team.

4. Due to the marriage, I got a new dad and new step brother named Dom. I talked about Dom before, but now it's official. And he's the coolest. He's also going to be driving soon and then he can go get me treats. 

5. My mom discovered that I'm afraid of farts. Not just any fart, but the really loud and scary ones that humans can make with their hands. Dang they really freak me out. I mean, I would do anything (like go to my mom when she calls me even though there's a big-ass squirrel I could chase) to stop that horrible sound. To make matters worse, everyone thinks it's funny. And that really pisses me off. I need to get stronger and stand up to the farts. But that will take time. I'll keep you posted.

6. My mom got a new job. I got stuck at home. Which leads me to my next great adventure: me making some negotiations with some landlords so I can go to work with my mom. It's not going to be easy, but I'm pretty cute so I can make it happen. I just have to be extra careful to not poop on the floor. Not that I do, but sometimes things just get stuck in your fur for a while and then land on the floor. 

I think more stuff happened too, but I can't remember right now. I'm a little tired from barking at the mailman (I mean mail woman, I mean postal carrier) who dropped of some mail in our mail box. She seems to that every day at this time. Go figure. 

Yep. I'm taking a nap now.

SQUIRREL!

No. Just a bird. 

Back to taking a nap.

The end.

Ollie

Thursday, June 27, 2013

My mom is home!

I'm super excited my mom is home.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And you know what? My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! 

My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home! My mom is home!

Yep. My mom just got home from work and I'm super happy about it. I'm always happy when she comes home so today I decided to write about it. Yay! My mom is home!

The end.

Ollie

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Guess What I'm Allergic To

Me all out of it after my allergy test.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And this picture was taken right after I went to the doggy dermatologist for some allergy testing. I was really out of it because they gave me a big doggy sedative so I wouldn't feel all the skin poking they do for the allergy testing.

The sedative part of the allergy testing was really fun because it made me feel all floaty and relaxed (probably like how my mom feels after a nice glass of wine). Getting up and walking around after the test, however, was not fun because I felt super swirly and kept tipping over. 

Not only that, I had a huge polka-dotted bald spot on my side. And there was no way I was going to impress the hot little Beagle in the waiting room with a blemish like that. It was the size of the Hindenburg. And took a huge chunk out of my confidence. I mean, I wanted to look ruff and tough. Not like a clumsy old turdbag with a bad case of bacne (back acne), or in my case, sidene. 

Needless to say, I felt pretty out of it and self conscious for the rest of the day. I tried really hard to not let it show, hence the photo of me falling asleep while sitting up and trying to look alert. But even I couldn't bulldoze my way through all that brain fog. Not even when I saw a squirrel running around in my peripheral vision.

Squirrel!

Complaining aside, the allergy test uncovered some very interesting information. And it turns out I'm allergic to one thing. Humans. Yep, the cuddliest guy in the world is allergic to the things he loves most. (Sigh. Make that a really big sigh.) 

At first I was really freaked out. But thanks to some super smart doggy pharmaceutical companies, I can still be around humans. I just need to take some really expensive allergy medication until I can get on some allergy shots. So it's a win-win. A win for me and my mom. And a win for the pharmaceutical economy.

My mom also told me that being allergic to humans is pretty common. In fact, she thinks it's kind of cute. Or ironic. Or one of those other weird human words I don't understand. More importantly, my mom said my quirks (like my allergies and the way I poop in circles) are what make me special. And I like being special. So I'm just going to go with what she says.

Yay me!

The end.

Oliver




Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Happy Mother's Day, Bitches!

That's not me. But that's what I looked like
after trying to pick flowers for my mom.
Hi. I'm Oliver. And I want to wish all the nice mommies I know a Happy Mother's Day. I know lots of mommies so this could take a while.

(I should also remind you that I don't mean anything negative or derogatory by the term bitches. For me, it's just another word for females. Okay, back to my Mother's Day wishes.)

Happy Mother's Day to my birth mom, Oakley. (In case you didn't know, I'm adopted.) She was my momma for 6 weeks before my human family picked me up and gave me a new home. I was sad to leave her, but she said that humans need dogs to make them happy. And I would make my human family really happy. I don't know if that's a big crock-o-crap, but I like that story so I'm going to believe it.

Happy Mother's Day to my real mom. She's the human lady I make happy every day. Sometimes she gets mad at me (like when I pick flowers for her that don't belong to me), but most of the time she loves me a lot. Like a real lot. Yay me!

She gets an extra paragraph in my blog because I want her to know all the things she does that I'm grateful for. My allergy medicine. My belly and chin scratches. The way she puts cheese on my food sometimes. When she takes me for walks and runs. All the toys she gets me. All the treats she gives me. And all the times she lets me under the covers to sleep. Yay under the covers!

Happy Mother's Day to my Grammie. She's my mom's mom and she's a nice lady. I get to stay with her when my mom has to go out of town. She's really nice to me. And she takes lots of naps. I'm always good and rested when I come home from Grammie's.

Happy Mother's Day to Claudia. She the mom of my new dad, Jim. She's a nice lady and I see her a lot in the summer when we all go to the cabin. I like the cabin. It's in front of the biggest water dish ever. (Claudia calls that big water dish a lake.)

Happy Mother's Day to Ann. She's Jim's sister and she has three kids. I like them and make them really happy at the cabin. Especially when I get the zoomies after jumping in and taking a drink from my "lake." (It's so funny that they call my water dish a lake.)

Happy Mother's Day to Stephanie. She's Jim's other sister and she has three kids. Stephanie is the lady I hide behind when I can't find my mom and there are fireworks going off at the cabin. That makes her kids laugh.

Happy Mother's Day to Katie. She's Jim's other other sister and she has two kids. Delilah and Penelope are my best friends at the cabin. They used to be afraid of me, but I worked really hard and got them to be my best friends. Katie is also a dog mom. She has two weener dogs, Roger and Noonan. I peed on Roger's head once, but it was an accident.

Okay, those are the moms I'm closest to. But I also want to say Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Moms are the best thing ever, whether you're biologically related or adopted. Yay moms!

The end.

Ollie

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Look How Cute I Am

Hi. I'm Oliver. And I just got my hair cut. Normally I hate it when I get my hair cut. But this time, I'm getting so much attention from the ladies, I don't mind it so much. Yay me!

If you remember from previous posts, you know I don't like getting haircuts. In just a matter of hours I go from looking like a bad-ass teddy bear dog to a wimpy little weenie-ass dog. I mean, look at my skinny legs. It's hard to impress the bitches with skinny little legs like mine. Oh, and that stupid polk-a-dotted kerchief doesn't help either. I swear my stylist thinks I'm a girl. 

It doesn't really matter though. Because all the attention I'm getting from the human ladies is making it all worth it. Young human ladies, old human ladies, even funny-smelling human ladies go nuts over my new haircut. They're all like (and I'm quoting here), "OMG he's so cute. I love him! I want to take him home with me!" Then I get a bunch of belly scratches, chin scratches, head scratches and under-my-collar scratches. 

By the way, I don't know what an OMG is. And if it's a bad word or a swear, I wasn't really saying it, just repeating it. (My mom says it's not nice to swear even though she does it a lot. Especially when she gets stuck in traffic.) 

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I'm not saying stuff I shouldn't be saying. Human language isn't nearly as clear or distinct as dog. I mean, how anyone couldn't understand what I mean by "WOOF!" is beyond me.

I should also say that I just thought of another good thing about my haircut. (Aside from the fact that it makes my wang look bigger, as I mentioned a few posts ago.) My skinny body makes my head look huge, and that makes my brain look huge and me look extra smart. 

Big brained and big-wanged Ollie, that's me! 

The end.

Ollie