Hi. I'm Oliver. And the only good thing about me getting all my hair cut off is that it makes my wang look bigger. Normally I have so much hair you can't even see my wang--unless you're really looking for it. But now that all my hair is gone, it totally stands out. But that's the only good part about me getting all my hair cut off.
When I have all my hair, I look thick, bulky and tough. Now I look like a spindly, little weenie dog (with a big wang). Even Bruce looks tougher and hairier than me. And no one's a bigger weenie than Bruce. (Bruce is my fox toy in the background.) My legs are long and skinny. My body is thin and petite. How am I going to impress the hot wheaten down the street when I look like a weenie-ass little runt?
I suppose I could strut down to Eunice's house and see if she still thinks I'm hot. Eunice is the old beagle down the street and my mom thinks I have a crush on Eunice. That's totally stupid. No one has a crush on Eunice. But my mom thinks I do. She even tells Eunice's mom that I have a crush on Eunice. But I don't.
If anything, Eunice has a crush me me.
Anyway, there's nothing like getting a little ego boost before I try and hit on the hot wheaten. It's like hitting on the pizza-faced chick at the bar so you can work on your pick-up lines before going over to the hot chick. Eunice isn't ugly, she's just old. And she always has goobers in her eyes.
I guess it's kind of mean to use Eunice like that, but with my stupid haircut, I need all the confidence I can get. And as long as Eunice lets me sniff her butt and doesn't run away or play hard-to-get, I'll be in pretty good shape.
There is another good thing about my haircut. It keeps me cool in the hot weather. It's hard to run when you're wearing a big hair coat. I get really hot and start panting really fast when I have to run with all that hair on. Now I'm super light and aerodynamic so I can run super super fast. Yay me!
Maybe my super fast running abilities will help me impress the hot wheaten down the street. That would be awesome. I love impressing the hot wheaten. I like impressing all the foxy bitches. Then again, I can't really do a lot of butt sniffing if I'm running all over the place.
Hmmm.
I think I'll beat up Bruce for a while and then take a nap and figure out my game plan. Stupid haircut. It's so stupid. Except for the big wang part. Not many dogs are known for having big wangs.
The end.
Ollie
Yay Oliver! You know a dog named Eunice? I never knew a dog named Eunice. I didn't have a big wang either. In fact, I didn't even have a wang. I never had all my hair cut off either, it was always long and luxurious. I'd go swim when I was hot, I love water. Yay Oliver!
ReplyDeleteOliver, you are the MAN DOG, regardless of weenie-size. You can come over and visit your Aunt Karen any time you want and I can take you to a secret spot on Cedar Lake to swim! You'll love it! Although I think it's illegal. Don't tell! Meanwhile, your mom and I are figuring out when we can get you up to a cabin for 3 long days of swimming and chasing stuff! It will be super fun! I love you, Oliver! Stay COOL!
ReplyDeletehi bernie. hi karen. it's ollie. thanks for the comments. bernie, i like your non-wang wang. you've got a girl wang. yay you! karen, i don't like the water, but i'll definitely walk NEAR the lake with you. and do like cabins. yay cabins! i heart both of you beautiful ladies. yay me!
ReplyDelete