Too Cool For School

Hi. I'm Oliver. And this summer my mom's making me go to school. Not a school with kids and recess and special treats on your birthday. Nope. This school is a special school for dogs. And I'm not happy about it. The last time I went to get "tutored" someone took my nuts off and I never got them back.

My mom said I need to go to school so I can take some obedience classes. I don't know what obedience means but I know I don't need any classes about it. I'm super smart and a really good dog. I know how to sit and chase squirrels and bark at strangers. I even know how to chew on my mom's sock monkey slippers so it's fun for me, but she can still wear them. I don't destroy the slippers, they're just missing a few eyes and ear nubs. And that's a win win for both of us. I get to chew my head off and she still has a warm place to put her feet. But my mom still thinks I need obedience training.

To make matters worse, my mom signed me up for the beginner obedience class. I'm no beginner when it comes to dog stuff. That class is for babies. No cool dogs are going to be in the beginner class. It's just going to be me and a bunch remedial retard (I mean mentally challenged) dogs with disciplinary problems. Dogs who probably pee on themselves when they get scared and don't even know how to sit when their mommys say, "Sit, Ollie. Sit."

I want to be in the advanced class. The cool class where they teach you how to roll over and play dead. I could really impress a lot of hot cocker spaniels by showing off my sweet doggie skillz. But no. I have to be in a class filled with dummies.

I also have to go to the doggie vet doctor to make sure I'm all up to date on my shots. Yep. I have to go to the dumb dumb class and the vet. I suppose it's good that the doggie school has their regulations, but it really sucks to be an Oliver right now. Well, not RIGHT now. Right now I'm sitting next to my mom and that's one of the best things ever. But come July, my whole doggie life is going to change.

My mom says it'll be a good change. That doggies like me need structure. Screw that. If I had a driver's license, I'd grab her keys, squeal the tires and take off in her car. But I don't. I can't even use a fork. And that's why she gets the final say about me and my obedience classes.

There are some good things about July though. My mom is taking me up North to her friend's cabin and she said there will be lots of squirrels for me to chase. Squirrrrrels! Now that sounds like fun. Just me, my mom and bunch of squirrels! Okay, there will be a big lake too. And a bunch of nice people. And s'mores. And depending on how the obedience training goes, there might even be an Oliver running off with a big bag of marshmallows.

The end.

Ollie