I Will Not Chew On My Mom's Shoes While She's At Work

Hi. I'm Oliver.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

I will not chew on my mom's shoes while she's at work.

My mom said that's enough sentences for now.

The end.

Ollie

A More Positive Ollie

Hi. I'm Oliver. And recently, I've been doing a lot of complaining in my blogs, which might give some people the impression that I'm one of those negative-nellie dogs. But I'm not. I'm a happy dog. And even though I seem to poo-poo everything, I really have a lot to be thankful for. Including my poo.

I'm a really good pooper. And outside of a few extreme circumstances, I have the whole "pooping outside" thing down. My mom gives me praises when I do my job and sometimes I even get treats. How many of you get praises and treats just for taking a dook? I do and that's just one of the many things I'm thankful for.

I'm also thankful for all my toys. Bruce the fox, Neville the octopus, Bonnie the flea and all my squirrel toys that don't have names because I don't like to give names to squirrels. Squirrels are just squirrels. But I am thankful to have squirrel toys. I can practice on them so one day I can catch a real squirrel. I just don't want to give my squirrel toys names.

Another thing I'm thankful for is the window in my living room. I get to look out of that window all day long so I see all kinds of cool things. I see people and dogs and birds and the mailman and my crazy neighbor lady and, of course, squirrels. That window is like a big TV that's always on. I love that window. That window is one of the best things ever.

There are lots of humans I'm thankful for too. My grammie who always puts cheese on my food, my mom's friend Karen and my mom's friend Nicole. I'm also thankful for the new people that come over. If it's a hot lady human, I get to sniff her butt without getting in trouble. They just say, "Hey, stop that!" and laugh it off because they think that that's what dogs do (even though I know better). If it's a dude trying to put the moves on my mom, I get to bark and growl and jump up and down so the dude totally loses his nerve and goes home.

I'm also thankful for my treats. My favorite treats are dried chicken strips. They're so yummy and I get one every time my mom leaves the house. I don't like it when my mom leaves the house, but a dried chicken treat helps make up for it. I don't like to share my treats, but there are a few dogs I'd share them with. My friend Bubba, my girlfriend Liza and my friend Yoda who didn't like me too much. Yoda had to go to heaven so I don't see Yoda anymore. She was really cute, but my energy drove her nuts. That's okay. Yoda was a good friend even though she didn't like me very much.

Wow. That's a lot of stuff I'm thankful for. And that makes me a positive Ollie. Yay me! Of course, I'm totally thankful for my mom, but that's just a given. She means everything to me and if you're ever mean to her I'll bite you really hard. No one's ever been mean to my mom, but I figure it's a fair warning. Just in case you're considering it.

The last thing I'm thankful for is that, just now, my mom let me outside and I chased a squirrel, took a dook, and my mom gave me a "Good boy, Ollie" and a dried chicken treat. Bruce and looking out the window are next, followed by me snuggling up to my mom and falling asleep happy.

The end.

Ollie

Yay Bubba!

Hi. I'm Oliver. And today I had a really good day. I got to go over to my friend Bubba's house and we played and played and played. That's not Bubba in the picture, but that's what Bubba looks like. Bubba even sits like that dog in the picture. But it's not Bubba. And that dog is not taking a dook, even though it looks like he is.

Bubba even looks like he's gonna take a dook when were playing sometimes. He's not, but he looks like he is. And it kinda freaked me out. No one wants to get dooked on when they're running around and trying to assert their dominance. But I got used to it. And once I realized all was cool, we played and played and played.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like Bubba. He's so funny and cool and carefree. He doesn't care what anyone thinks, he's just happy dog. Me, I don't even want to tell anyone my good friend's name is Bubba because that makes me sound like Forrest Gump.

I wouldn't mind being Lieutenant Dan. But Forrest? I'm a total bad ass. In fact, if you make a "shrimp" comment or mention "peas and carrots, carrots and peas" and I'll chew a hole in your shoes and pee on your sweater. I'm way smarter than Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump never got any 20-second action from a hot wheaten terrier. And I did. Me 1. Forrest Gump 0.

But why do I care? I should just say, "Yeah, I going to run around with Bubba. Bubba, Bubba, Bubba." Instead I tell everyone, "Yo. I'm going over to B's house. We're going to chill, maybe chase some squirrels." The squirrel part is true (yay squirrels) but we never just hang out and chill. I'm a crazy terrier. From the moment I see Bubba I'm bouncing off the walls, trying to mount him like school girl. (It's dominance thing. Don't get all homophobe on me.)

I also cry every time my mom leaves. Even if she's just taking the garbage out I cry. (I'm a dog. I don't know the difference.) But I'd never admit that to anyone. Instead, if my mom were to leave, I'd be like, "Yeah. My mom's out with some dude. She'll be home whenever."

Bubba may look like he's taking a dook when he sits, but he's okay with that. He doesn't make excuses or alter his body positions. He's just Bubba. And I admire that.

The end.

Ollie

Too Cool For School

Hi. I'm Oliver. And this summer my mom's making me go to school. Not a school with kids and recess and special treats on your birthday. Nope. This school is a special school for dogs. And I'm not happy about it. The last time I went to get "tutored" someone took my nuts off and I never got them back.

My mom said I need to go to school so I can take some obedience classes. I don't know what obedience means but I know I don't need any classes about it. I'm super smart and a really good dog. I know how to sit and chase squirrels and bark at strangers. I even know how to chew on my mom's sock monkey slippers so it's fun for me, but she can still wear them. I don't destroy the slippers, they're just missing a few eyes and ear nubs. And that's a win win for both of us. I get to chew my head off and she still has a warm place to put her feet. But my mom still thinks I need obedience training.

To make matters worse, my mom signed me up for the beginner obedience class. I'm no beginner when it comes to dog stuff. That class is for babies. No cool dogs are going to be in the beginner class. It's just going to be me and a bunch remedial retard (I mean mentally challenged) dogs with disciplinary problems. Dogs who probably pee on themselves when they get scared and don't even know how to sit when their mommys say, "Sit, Ollie. Sit."

I want to be in the advanced class. The cool class where they teach you how to roll over and play dead. I could really impress a lot of hot cocker spaniels by showing off my sweet doggie skillz. But no. I have to be in a class filled with dummies.

I also have to go to the doggie vet doctor to make sure I'm all up to date on my shots. Yep. I have to go to the dumb dumb class and the vet. I suppose it's good that the doggie school has their regulations, but it really sucks to be an Oliver right now. Well, not RIGHT now. Right now I'm sitting next to my mom and that's one of the best things ever. But come July, my whole doggie life is going to change.

My mom says it'll be a good change. That doggies like me need structure. Screw that. If I had a driver's license, I'd grab her keys, squeal the tires and take off in her car. But I don't. I can't even use a fork. And that's why she gets the final say about me and my obedience classes.

There are some good things about July though. My mom is taking me up North to her friend's cabin and she said there will be lots of squirrels for me to chase. Squirrrrrels! Now that sounds like fun. Just me, my mom and bunch of squirrels! Okay, there will be a big lake too. And a bunch of nice people. And s'mores. And depending on how the obedience training goes, there might even be an Oliver running off with a big bag of marshmallows.

The end.

Ollie

The Little Wounded Bird

Hi. I'm Oliver. And today there was a little wounded birdie in my yard. It didn't look anything like that Muppet bird, but nothing good comes up when you do an image search for "wounded" or "little" bird. A lot of weird stuff comes up, in fact. Like weird bird drawings and book covers.

But I'm getting off track. Back to the bird.

My mom and I were getting ready to go for a run, and as soon as we stepped outside I saw a little blob of feathers hobbling around in the grass. Just like that, my go-see-what-that-is-and-maybe-eat-it instinct kicked in--as well as some serious-ass bird tweeting (real tweeting, that is, not that twitter crap). It was the mommy bird and daddy bird trying to yell at me to stop me from messing with their little bird baby.

Then my mom started hollering too. "Ollie! You put that down!"

But I still didn't listen. When my instincts kick in there's no stopping me. Except if you offer me a treat. But not just any treat. It has to be a good treat. Like a dried chicken strip treat. But no one offered me a treat so I kept going after that little wounded bird. I nudged it with my nose, I picked it up in my mouth and tossed it, I swatted it across the grass. I was so focused on that wounded little bird that I didn't even flinch at all the mayhem that was going on around me.

My mom even tried to use logic. "Put that down, Ollie. It's not a fair to pick on the weak." If I would've been in my right mind, I would've responded with, "Darwin, woman! Natural selection!" But it didn't even register at the time. All I heard was "Blah, blah, blah, Ollie, blah, blah, blah."

Finally, my mom got a hold of my collar and dragged me out of the back yard. Then she put my harness on, hooked up her iPod and we started our run. It was a good run. And it made me forget all about the little wounded bird until we got back in the yard. But by that time the little wounded bird was gone.

I wonder what happened to it. I wonder if the mommy bird and daddy bird got it back into the nest. I wonder if someday that whole little birdie family will laugh at the day's events. "Remember that time when that dog almost ate you, but you got away? That was funny."

I hope so. I didn't mean to torment that poor little wounded bird. I was just having fun. That little wounded bird looked just like one of my toys except I didn't have to do all the work of pushing it around. It moved all by itself and I can't not chase something that's little and fluffy and moving all around all by itself. Then again, if a giant, mean Sasquatch came into my yard and started tossing me around, I'd be pretty pissed too. I'd totally want my mom to beat his ass and make him go away.

Mom's are pretty good about stuff like that. They'll beat the crap out of anyone or anything that tries to mess with someone they care about. So I hope that the little wounded bird is feeling better. And sleeping soundly next to its mommy, like I will to sleep soundly next to mine.

The end.

Ollie

Today Sucks

Hi. I'm Oliver. And today totally sucks.

It took my mom forever to get home. And when she finally did get home, she yelled at me for chewing a big hole in her sock monkey slipper. I just pretended I didn't know what she was talking about and jumped up and down and up and down and up and down until she rubbed my belly. But she only gave me like two rubs before reexamining her stupid slipper.

My mom's totally overreacting about the slipper.

The slipper still works, there's just a big hole in it. There are a lot worse things than having a big hole in your sock monkey slipper. And according to my mom, one of those things is me letting a little pee out in the basement. So I got yelled at again.

"Oll-llie! What did you do?"

She knew what I did. I peed in the basement. Why was she asking me what I did? It's so dumb when people know what you did, but they still ask you what you did and then yell at you in the form of a question.

In my defense, I did use the basement. I could've let my pee out anywhere, but I let it out in the basement, where it couldn't hurt anything. I don't like it when I can't hold it until my mom comes home, so I made the best out of bad situation.

Two little pees in two little places. And a big hole in my mom's sock monkey slipper. I was never going to get my belly rubs. Or a dried chicken treat. Or a partner to play "Tug-O-Bruce" with me.

Stupid sucky day. And it only got worse.

While my mom was cleaning up my pee, I left Bruce on the steps as a reminder for her to play with Bruce and me. But instead of seeing him, she tripped over him on her way up the stairs. She didn't get hurt, but the pop she was carrying went flying and erupted everywhere.

Errrrtttttt! I was out of there and hiding around the corner before the last drop even landed on the floor. I waited for my mom to yell at me again, but she didn't. She just sat on the floor and looked sad. I knew she'd been having a tough time lately, so I went over to her and tried to make it better.

"Ollie! You're stepping in it!"

Jeeze Louise. I couldn't do anything right. What a stupid, stupid day. But then she just wiped off my feet, shooed me away and cleaned up the mess. She even gave me a belly rub when she was done cleaning. I love belly rubs. And treats. I didn't get a treat, but I did get my regular food. And it was yummy. I ate the whole bowl and everything was good again.

Until my mom noticed I got into the dirty clothes and chewed on her underwear.

The end.

Ollie