It's Really Slippery Outside

Hi. I'm Oliver. I'm really athletic and agile, but today it's really slippery outside. It's so slippery outside that even if you were a polar bear you'd still wipe out when your mom let you out to go pee and you got sidetracked by a squirrel.


That's why I put that picture of the polar bear up there. You know he felt dumb when he wiped out in front of all his neighbors. It's embarrassing when you wipe out in front of other furry, little creatures. Especially squirrels. They laugh at you even though you could bite them in two. Lucky for them, it's icy outside. And the animals that are higher on the food chain can't run very fast when it's icy outside. Not even polar bears. Not even me.


It's so icy that my mom wiped out this morning too. She went out to get the paper and fell right on her ass. KABLAMO! I felt bad for her though. She was in her bare feet and got a big cut on her big toe. It was bleeding everywhere and swelled up because she jammed her big toe too. I wanted to help her, but I stayed out of the way and didn't try to lick her toe even though I wanted to lick her toe. Licking always makes me feel better--that's why I lick my feet all the time. But my mom doesn't like it when I lick her. I still try to lick her, but this time I didn't. 


After she cleaned herself in the shower, my mom got out a big bandaid and some gauze and some ointment and fixed up her big toe. I think she should have to wear that big lampshade on her head too (like I do when I get hurt), but apparently humans don't have to wear those things. I tried to convince her, but she doesn't understand "dog" so my barking was moot.


Of course, my mom still went to work even though she should've stayed home with me to make sure I wasn't too upset over her trauma. I'm not, but she doesn't know that. For all she knows, I could be crying and crying and crying--wondering if her big toe is okay--but I'm not. Nope. No worrying or carrying on for this guy. I mean, I am concerned, but I've got mailmans and squirrels and bunnies and neighbors and dogs and squirrels to bark at. (I said squirrels twice. They get double the barks.) Besides, if the bitch decided to go to work with an injured big toe, that's her problem.


(By "bitch" I mean "woman" as in a generic female. Bitch isn't a bad word when you're a dog even though it sounds like a bad word. Another word that sounds bad, but isn't is the word "suffrage." It's about the right to vote, but it doesn't sound fun at all. Women really like that word, especially women who were around in 1920.)


Lucky for my mom, no one saw (or laughed at) her when she fell. It looked pretty funny, but her foot was so bloody and bruised that you'd have to be a real A-HOLE to laugh at that. There are a lot of guys who are big A-HOLES, but I'm not one of them. I didn't even try to lick or sniff her foot because I knew that would make her mad. And when your big toe really hurts, you don't need anything else to make mad.


Yep, my mom's lucky. It could've been a lot worse. She could've fallen and broken her ego. A bunch of hot firemen could've been cruising by when it happened. Or squirrels. Squirrels who were finally starting to caution themselves, but then everything changed because of one dog's dorky-ass fall on the icy sidewalk. 


Stupid squirrels all safe in their trees.


But I'm sure my mom's fine. And in 4 hours, 53 minutes and 44, 43, 42 seconds, she'll be home to prove it to me. Oh, and if you're a robber, don't even think about coming over and taking advantage of the empty household. I'm here. And I know how to bite you in the nuts. I had nuts once so I know how much it hurts when someone messes with your nuts. The alarm's here too. And so are the police if anyone breaks in and sets off the motion detectors.


I don't really need an alarm, I'm pretty bad-ass. But just in case I need some backup, I've got the alarm. Yay me! And yay for my mom who didn't even cry when she hurt her foot this morning. She said a few cuss words, but she didn't cry. Maybe some day i'll learn how to work the video camera or just my mom's cell phone video camera and capture her falls on film. (Even a klutzy-ass polar bear on ice skates could operate one of those cell phone video cameras.)


Oh, and happy Valentine's Day too. Valentine's Day is pretty stupid, but sometimes my mom gives me special treats so I'm encouraging the good karma. 


The end. Happy Valentine's Day! The end.


Ollie